"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."