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Your mother is so fat she asked for a water bed and they put a blanket over the ocean.
Q. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?
A. It's called the Jackson Five and Under.
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
This guy walks into a butcher and asks, "Can I have those from the top shelf please". The butcher replies, "Sorry, the steaks are too high."
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....
Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
THE TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya," Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."